Marriage and Relationships…

More science… the Law of Attraction and family relationships is no longer a secret. Researchers at Yale University have blown its anonymity.

“… only a small fraction of how people gauge their partners’ responsiveness to their needs is based on what the partners do. Most of it is based on what they themselves do and feel,” say Margaret Clark, faculty author and psychology professor, and co-authors Edward Lemay and Brooke Feeney.

“In studies of marriage we’ve found that what people report they do for their partners is a better predictor of what they think their spouse does for them than are the spouse’s own reports of what was done,” they said.

In other words, as proponents of the universal [tag]law of attraction[/tag] have maintained for centuries, and speakers in the movie DVD The Secret re-popularised again last year, you get what you ask for.

If your partner is a louse, odds are you are, too. If s/he is the most caring, inspiring soul alive, s/he’s probably second only to you.

Clark calls this ‘projection of responsiveness‘. In essence, “you see your partner as about as responsive to your welfare as you are to your partner’s welfare, regardless of the partner’s true behavior,” Clark said.

Interestingly, exercise physiologists see parallels in this behavior within the individual. And this may be a whole new tack for relationship counselors to ponder.

If you’ve ever developed a strong motivation to start exercising, yet seen the drive to actually do it fizzle within days or weeks, you can probably relate to this.

Think also about how your relationship is now compared with how you would like it to be.

The key is separating the notions of ‘motivation’ and ‘drive’.

Motivation is primarily a cognitive, or mental process. You decide you need to exercise. Drive – acting on the decision reached through motivation – is primarily an emotional process. You actually have to do the exercise.

Exercise time comes, you feel a bit down, leave the session until ‘tomorrow’… and you know just how long the resolution lasts. Ditto New Year’s resolutions, and relationship improvements.

The law of attraction, ‘the secret’, is to decide what you want, believe you will get it as surely as you get what you order in a restaurant, and then – just as you probably do in a restaurant – accept delivery of that order.

How do you do that? You emotionally pre-live receipt of that order… involving all the relevant senses including salivation.

Now, relate that back to your relationship. What are you asking for, and what expectations are you pre-living?

The Yale researchers said they conducted the studies because “an essential feature of the health and well-being of a mutual communal relationship is believing that one’s partner cares about one’s welfare and will attend and respond to one’s desires, needs, and goals”.

“Not only do people who care about their partners perceive that their partners in turn care about them, they become more satisfied with their relationship over time,” they said.

So they pre-live the emotions they want from the relationship. In fact, so intensely do we pre-live them, that we make them our normal behavior, with full emotional involvement. We establish our own ‘norm’, reflecting out the behavior we want in return.

In other words, w e utilize the Law of Attraction.

Be warned, however, that just like the Law of Gravity, the Law of Attraction is neutral. No good, no bad. It just is. Ask and you shall receive. Give out bad vibes, get back bad vibes. Give out good vibes, get back good vibes. Just as the Yale study found.

“Sadly, the flip side is true too,” Clark said. “Those who are uncaring believe their apathy is reciprocated, which undermines their satisfaction.”

Armed with that powerful insight, how are you going to approach your family, your lover, your partner, your workmates next time you see them?

I like that old truism… point your finger at someone else, and notice how many fingers are pointing back at you.

Do you find that terrifying… or exciting? And what are you going to do about it?

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