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How To Get A Girl To Like You…

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dating has to start somewhere… so how to get a girl to like you is probably one of the most vital bits of information any male can acquire. Yet strangely, it seems it’s also one of the most elusive.

David DeAngelo, author of the best-selling Double Your Dating, says one of the best ways is to spend time watching guys who know what’s up as they interact with women. And the key to this is to observe the process… not just what’s said, but the attitude, the tone, the body language and all that goes with it.

It’s vital, he says, to learn the skill rather than to get the girl.

“I honestly believe that you can improve your success with women dramatically if you choose to do it,” he says. “And you learn how to do it.”

DeAngelo says that learning starts with stopping sitting there wishing for things to change and hoping that a super-model jumps off the TV screen, and making it happen for yourself.

“I’ve spent a lot of time now figuring out the things you need to do to increase your success with women,” he says, “and I honestly believe that any man can do it, if he takes action.”

Reading into that, I think one of the other keys is that you keep yourself our of it - make this a totally impersonal process until you’ve got at least a rough plan figured out.

For instance, I used to have a friend who would always get upset if any guy ever talked to any of the women he had talked to. Of course, he never had any success with ANY of the women in the end.

On the other hand, I have a few friends who could care less if you talk to ALL of the women they’re talking to… they just don’t get jealous.

Guess what? They’re all the most successful guys I know when it comes to women and dating.

Coincidence? I think not…

DeAngelo is quite specific. To put this whole thing differently, he says, it’s so important to always try to get the LESSON in a particular situation instead of the GIRL in that particular situation.

If you don’t get the lesson, you’ll keep banging your head against the wall… but if you GET THE LESSON in a situation, it will help you for the rest of your life. Get the lesson, and don’t worry about the particular girl. It’s never worth it to take things personally in these types of situations.

Create Chemistry & A Girl Will Like You

David responded to a reader who mentioned that he went to a pub and got into a conversation with a girl…

“You only HINTED at the nature of the conversation, but from experience, I know exactly what the ‘vibe’ was,” he writes.

“You asked your friend what he ordered you, and a girl nearby teased you and said “A Zima”.

“And I’d be willing to bet you a dollar that you DIDN’T answer her by acting like a WUSSY.

“Nooooooo, no.

“You knew what to do.

“You now understand something that’s KEY.

“You now “get” how to have a conversation with a woman that sparks ATTRACTION and actually CREATES “chemistry” and sexual tension.”

David says that in the past when that reader interacted with women he probably did the same thing that most of the guys on the planet do… he behaved like an EXTRA NICE GUY.

“You never said anything ‘edgy’, you always let the WOMAN lead the conversation, you never said anything controversial, and you always carefully listened to what she said so you kept the conversation ‘positive’.

“You know what I’m talking about… that friendly, sterile, no-tension, artificially sugar-coated nice-guy kind of conversation?

“The kind that every one of us guys tries to keep going when we meet a girl we like… or we take a girl out on a date, etc…

“The kind that attractive women HATE… and the kind that bores women to TEARS!”

DeAngelo says that what’s interesting to him is how INSTANTLY women respond to overly-confident, fun, energy-charged banter… and how women RUN from guys who use the “I’m such a nice guy, and I want you to like me” kind of talk.

If you’re at that point in your life where you’ve turned an age that’s getting you down… or you’ve just broken up with a woman that you’ve been together with for a long time… or something else has you feeling like you’re never going to be able to “get your groove back” when it comes to women, then LISTEN UP.

It does NOT have to be that way.

If you’re ready for an IN-DEPTH education on everything from overcoming fear and approaching women… to getting numbers and dates… and taking things to a “physical level”, then you MUST get your hands on a copy of David DeAngelo’s eBook “Double Your Dating,” and you need to do it NOW.

It’s his original manual for success with women and dating, and it’s the place to get started if you want to take your success with women to the next level.

While you’re doing that, sign up for his FREE newsletter at the same time. Every week it is packed with great information that you can use to take your success with women to the next level.

You can download here right now:

• Free Dating Tips Newsletter, Learn How To Get A Girl To Like You, and download the Double Your Dating ebook.

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Free Anger Management Tips

Friday, May 30, 2008

Anger management is a nice ideal. Seminars and classes, free anger management tips and control techniques are a staple of the relationship and personal development industry.

Why? Because uncontrolled anger causes problems - violence and guilt to name two of them. Not only do people who suffer from anger issues endanger themselves, others and relationships, they often feel profound remorse and self-loathing afterwards.

The cause of anger problems - even an anger disorder - is often as mysterious, as uncontrollable and as infuriating as the blowup itself.

Yet, when you walk into a psychiatrist’s clinic, the first question is often: “How’s your FASH Score?”

FASH Score? If you haven’t come across that term, it might be helpful to know what it means.

It’s an acronym for Fear Anger Sad Happy. And the model it comes from says that those four emotions are the foundations of life.

And to be content in life, you need to have ready access to all four. That’s right. All four… including anger.

A healthy balance is said to be roughly 1:2:3:4, in the FASH order. So twice as much happiness as anger. Your FASH score is your self-assessment of how you’re doing. Being aware of your score can help you re-orient yourself if necessary before any damage is done.

So, contrary to popular belief, anger can be a positive emotion. And I’m sure you can think of a number of instances when it would have served you well.

But what about when anger is out of control? Repressed anger and how to deal with anger managment issues are huge concerns, particularly in the field of relationship help for women.

Rori Raye’s Anger Management Tips

Anger management and relationship consultant Rori Raye recently released some insights into her experience in relationship counseling and conducting anger management seminars. See how much of it you can relate to:

I know what I instinctively do when I get angry.

I sit on it.

I want to think about it.

I want to think about what to do with it.

If the person who just said or did something that got my anger started, especially if it’s my husband or my daughter, I most especially stuff it down until I can figure out what to say.

Often the moment gets lost entirely.

I find myself grumpy or tense ten minutes later, ruminating on my anger like a cow chewing cud, and my opportunity to express myself feels lost forever.

Not so.

What I’m describing here, it seems, is me beating myself up because I didn’t know what to do with the anger I was feeling.

What’s sometimes worse is when my husband is angry.

At me.

I can handle his anger if it’s towards others.

I get behind him, confirm his righteous indignation, his enemy is my enemy.

I’m a great team player.

So where am I when he’s angry at me?

What team am I on?

The first split second I feel his coolness, I’m on team Rori.

I get my back up, I protect my back, I face off.

I’m the star goalie, defender of Rori, no angry words could possibly hurt me, I never, ever, ever did anything wrong.

Or I did everything wrong. I bounce from anger at him for being angry with me to anger at myself for causing such unbearable conflict.

I blame myself for severing love, even for this moment. It doesn’t occur to me until sometimes hours later that acting as if I’m on team Our Relationship would not only be better for the relationship, but for me, too.

All I need to do is share my anger.

How Do You Share Anger Issues?

We all know from reading every book on communication ever written that we’re supposed to communicate in “I feel” messages, not “You did” messages. And yet — How do you do that?

Most of us don’t even know what that looks like, much less how to get the words out.

Not one woman (including me) that I’ve met has even seen it in our lifetime, except maybe in the movies.

Not only do we not know what it feels like to really talk in “I feel” messages, we hardly ever even know what it is we even feel!

Those of you who have been to my workshops know that a big part of my work is helping women access their feelings and then express those feelings in words a man can hear.

One of the emotions we women have the most trouble with is anger, and anger is also the emotion we often seem to have the most of!

We are all angry a good part of the time.

Perhaps it’s disappointment, or irritation, or pure rage.

Some of us have gotten seriously sick trying to hold in so much anger.

Some of us can only attract men who offend us, who make us angry, because we are so angry.

Putting a smiley face on our anger just makes it all worse, because on top of the authentic angry inferno anyone who stands next to us can sense (no matter how dense we think they are), we’re adding the disrespect of trying to hide it from them.

We’re pretending it’s not even there — though it’s like a great big elephant sticking out of our chests.

That angry elephant trumpets through our words no matter how hard we try to disguise it.

When we pretend, we appear at best like automatons, at worst like liars.

We can seem completely out of touch with ourselves and at the same time complain about how men can’t get in touch with their feelings!

So, what to do about anger management?

1. Agree that anger, even murderous rage, is just a feeling.

It’s just energy.

And it’s most likely covering pain.

Because anger truly does feel better than pain, it’s a very worthwhile and helpful emotion.

2. Admit to ourselves that what we’re feeling is anger, and that it belongs to us, not to the man across the dinner table.

Admit that it most likely has absolutely nothing to do with that man across the table.

It may be anger from the last relationship, the last two dozen relationships, or our relationships with our parents.

And then admit that if it is about the man across the table, and he’s said or done something clearly hurtful, you not only don’t have to tolerate it — you can handle the next step! Which is:

3. Share it. This is not about venting, getting it out, or “communicating.”

It’s about sharing your feeling state in order to both keep yourself healthy and deepen your relationship with another human being. Say “I’m feeling angry.”

Period.

If he asks you why –- say “I feel really angry.

And hurt.

And now I’m feeling confused.

And now I feel a little silly even telling you.”

Or “Ouch — that really hurt — it feels terrible.”

(Notice I didn’t say “You made me feel terrible” or “That makes me feel terrible”, I just said “I feel terrible.”)

It may seem like a little thing, and yet my work is based on the idea that these little things add up to big things, and then pretty soon your life has changed for the better and you’ve already lived through all those big changes that right now seem so terrifying.

Learn how to go a few rounds with him, responding in the moment — even if it gets to you screaming “Now I’m so angry I feel like hitting you! I don’t want to be here anymore!” and leaving the space.

Why Hide Your Anger?

If you have to do this a lot, you may want to look at why you’ve chosen to stick around with this man at all — which brings us right back to the question of why we hide the stuff in the first place.

Is it because we’re afraid to look at what’s really going on in the relationship, what’s really going on in our hearts?

I know it seems too simplistic to just share your feeling state.

We want to explain, to help him understand.

Actually, we just want to slap him around.

We want to punish him.

And that gets us, and the relationship, nowhere.

So where does all this sharing of feelings get us?

Every single woman I’ve taught to do this (including myself) has told me that it shifts the conversation.

It shifts the entire relationship.

Where there was once tension and a feeling of detachment, there’s now a feeling of play and connection.

Sharing our feeling state is an outrageous act of bravery.

Any man in the room can see that.

And any man can feel the utter authenticity and vulnerability of it.

Any man can feel how much you must trust and respect him to be able to open up like that, without attacking him.

Without so much as mentioning his name.

And any woman who does this, even a little, experiences a freeing up inside.

All of a sudden all the pretense goes away, and the fear of dropping the pretense goes away.

All of a sudden the need to defend, the need to be guarded goes away, and the fear of dropping our guard goes away.

There’s suddenly nothing between you and your man.

He can feel it.

You can feel it.

Where it goes from there is out of your hands.

And that, once you get used to it, is liberating.

It opens the door and parts the curtain and gives you the chance to really let love walk in.

And then it does.

Let me show you all the ways in which you can be happy and thrive in your relationship.

My FREE NEWSLETTER is packed with tools and advice to help you connect to your man, inspire his love and devotion, and finally have the relationship you want…starting today!

Simply fill in your name and email at the link below and start learning the tools that will make a man commit to you for life.

Your information is kept confidential and there is no obligation… just valuable, free advice:

Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download

In her packed Los Angeles workshops, relationship coach, author, speaker and seminar leader Rori Raye teaches women the completely original, controversial, simple-to-do techniques for communication, confidence, and connecting with men that she used to turn her own now-glorious eighteen-year marriage around.

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Dating: How To Act When A Woman Likes You

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

How to act when a woman likes you is actually a surprisingly important question. It’s one of those situations that either creeps up on men, or comes like a bolt from the blue.

And either way, it causes many fellows an amazing amount of confusion. Whether they have dating on their mind or not.

Take this question from a New Hampshire fellow called J.M. to David DeAngelo, Author Of “Double Your Dating”:

“I’ve started talking to new women again, along with old girlfriends.  I find that when the c/f (Cocky & Funny) starts rolling, or even just my newfound confidence, I often get a lot of compliments.  What’s the best way to deal with a girl coming out and saying “oh, you’re so cute/funny/etc…”? Should I ignore it and keep the c/f going?  Should I address it in a cocky way?  I’m assuming that graciously accepting the compliment is never the right answer…”

How would you answer that one, ladies? How would you like a man to act when you like him… to respond to you in such a situation?

David’s response might be an eye-opener to women… and a livesaver to men. In case you’re not aware, David DeAngelo is the author of “Double Your Dating -  What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women”, and has taught thousands of men how to be more successful with women and dating.

Here is his advice to J.M. on how to act when a woman likes you, in detail:

You know, this really is a great question.

One of the most important things to understand as a man is what to do when things are WORKING… so you don’t SCREW IT UP!

If you use the materials that you’re learning from me, you will start to have a magical thing happen more and more often… women will start to do and say things that clearly indicate that they LIKE you.

     •  Free Dating Tips Newsletter And Download eBook  •  

Sometimes it will be a touch, sometimes a compliment, and sometimes a smile. But these things WILL happen more and more as you get better and better.

I always laugh to myself when I bust a woman’s chops really hard, and she laughs and says “You’re so funny!” or “You really are good!” etc.

I still shake my head and wonder why the hell it took me so long to figure this stuff out.

But I digress…

Now, when a woman does something that signals “I like you”, it is VITALLY important that you:

1) Know how to recognize it
2) DON’T do what MOST guys do
3) DO the right thing, and AMPLIFY it

So how can you tell if a woman is doing something that says “I like you”?

Well, it’s VERY important to remember that women are far more “subtle” than men (most of the time, that is).

If a man is interested in a woman, you can see it all over his face. It’s usually very obvious.

But women are different.

Women do SMALL things.

A little touch. A sly smile. Sometimes a comment like “You’re so cute” (as in your example above).

But then IT’S GONE.

Women always seem to act like they’re not quite sure.

They don’t send consistent signals that most men can “read”.

And when they DO send signals that are easy to see, most guys respond in a way that makes those signals stop…which makes things even MORE confusing.

Again, women aren’t as CONSISTENT as men.

A woman can seem like she’s interested one minute, then stand-offish the next.

So rule #1 is:

JUST BECAUSE SHE’S DOING SOMETHING THAT SAYS “I LIKE YOU”, DON’T THINK THAT IT MEANS “I LIKE YOU NO MATTER WHAT”.

Much better to interpret subtle “I like you” cues as “I like you for a second, but if you start acting like a Wuss Bag or Dumb Ass, it will all be over in an instant”.

Unfortunately for most guys, they take “I like you” signals to mean “You’ve won my approval, now you can do whatever you want”.

And what do they do? Of course…

They turn into dorks, say or do a few stupid things, and destroy it all.

Oh, how many times I’ve watched guys (myself included) screw up perfectly good situations because they just didn’t get this concept.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you’re out with a woman, and you’ve been teasing her, and she smiles and says “I like you”.

A typical “male” response is for a guy to think to himself “OK, I’m in… she digs me” and to get that rush in the head and chest.

Next thing you know, he’s acting different.

He’s talking about different things.

He’s giving compliments.

He’s being “nicer”.

And what’s the woman thinking while this is all going on? Of course… she’s thinking “Uh oh, his cool, calm, interesting personality was just a cover for the secret inner-Wuss that was hiding out, waiting for a little bit of approval from me… AHHHHHH!”

Women KNOW that they’re in control of the situation. Or at least MOST of the time they are… and they THINK that they are even during the times when they’re not.

They’re constantly using different kinds of communication to test and “feel out” the situation.

Remember, MOST of the time when you’re saying something that you think is nice, charming, and original, it’s something that a woman has heard about 47 times that week from other guys.

Us guys act VERY predictably most of the time.

And women know how to tell if you’re just another loser who’s pretending to be cool… who will turn into an average Wuss at the first sign of attraction from a cute woman.

Think about what I just said.

This is hard for a lot of guys to swallow… but it’s the reality of the situation.

There’s something that women call “Sexual Tension”. It’s also known as “Chemistry” or “Attraction” as well. But only WOMEN know it this way.

When you tease a woman, make her laugh, play hard to get with her, act unpredictably, etc. in the right way, you will create this tension. This is what usually leads to a woman saying something like “You’re cute” or “I like you”.

It’s the TENSION that makes her FEEL it and SAY it.

THE TENSION!

In these very special moments, you need to turn the tension UP. Dial it up. AMPLIFY it.

Don’t diffuse it all by saying “You’re cute yourself” or “I like you, too”. Or by smiling like a jackass wussy dork who has just seen his first rainbow.

This kind of thing RELEASES the tension, and it usually takes that wonderful electric attraction feeling that the woman is feeling and INSTANTLY kills it.

Does this make logical sense?

Hell no.

But it’s what happens.

OK, so let’s talk about the RIGHT way to handle this type of situation.

Remember when I said that it’s the TENSION that makes a woman feel the feelings and make the comments?

And that you need to AMPLIFY it when you’re getting a positive response?

Nice.

Once upon a time, there was a scene in a movie that illustrated this concept PERFECTLY.

In fact, it might be the all-time greatest example of this principle that has ever been recorded on film.

Remember the end of “The Empire Strikes Back” when they were about to put Han Solo into the deep freeze?

Remember when Leia said “I love you”…?

Remember what Han said?

Right, he said… “I know”.

Perfect.

All of the sexual tension that built up in Star Wars and Empire culminated in Leia confessing her love.

And Han says “I know”.

Awesome!

Imagine being Leia. What could be going through her mind at this point?

An answer like this isn’t easy to understand. It has all kinds of implications.

It’s confusing.

It says “I know you love me, because it’s been obvious for a long time…”. But it doesn’t let HER know how he feels exactly. It requires consideration. It dials up the tension. It’s amazing.

By the way, I read that when they were filming that scene Han was supposed to answer “I love you too”, but the director didn’t like it. They tried all kinds of things, and in the end Harrison Ford made up that line on the spot in one of the takes… and they kept it. Nice.

By the way, one of the BIG reasons why the newer movies in the Star Wars series suck is because there is no character like Han… think about it. It’s all boring, predictable stuff. There’s no sexy, arrogant, funny, wildcard personality messing things up.

Like I pointed out after I saw “Attack Of The Clones”, Anakin had to kill an ENTIRE VILLAGE of Sand People just to convince Princess A. that he wasn’t a complete and total Wuss. Would have been so much easier and more entertaining if he would have just had a PERSONALITY.

Whatever.

Now where was I…?

Oh, yea… amplifying the sexual tension…

If you’re out with a woman, and you tease her because she’s wearing four inch heels by saying “What’s the deal, are you four feet tall without those one?”, and she opens her mouth with the classic “Oh no you didn’t” look (smiling of course, with that surprised smile)… and you dial it up to the next level with “Oh, I’m sorry…Four foot three?”… and she hits you on the arm…

…and then she stops, puts her hand on your arm, and says “You know, you’re funny”…

…what do you do?

YOU SAY “YEA, I KNOW” - in a serious tone.

Or “Don’t try to use compliments to make me like you. It won’t work. Go buy me a drink or something… I prefer gifts and money.”

Or look down at her hand on your arm, lean back slightly, turn your head, and put your eyebrows together as if to say “Just WHAT do you think you’re doing touching me?!”.

TURN IT UP, my friend!

You TURN UP the tension.

AMPLIFY it.

Keep it going.

If you keep amplifying the tension and attraction at each of these wonderful moments, good things will happen.

Good stuff.

OK, I have a question.

Want more killer ideas like this one?

What if I told you that there was a place you could go and download an eBook that contained literally DOZENS and DOZENS of great ideas like this one?

Well, there is. Of course, it’s my eBook “Double Your Dating”. Inside, you’ll learn about all of my personal favorite techniques for dealing with all kinds of situations with women.

This might sound a little strange, but I actually read my own book to brush up on concepts, and remind myself of how to handle different situations. It took me a few years to learn, test, refine, and organize all of the awesome techniques that are included, and you’ll understand why I speak so highly of it when you go and get a copy.

It’s here… you can download it and be reading it in a few minutes. And while you’re at it, be sure to sign up for my free newsletter for more great tips:

     •  Free Dating Tips Newsletter And Download eBook  •  

Now, ladies, how does that advice sound if you have dating or flirting on your mind? Is it what what you’d react to? Or, perhaps more to the point, how would you react? Turn-on or turn-off?

And men… get on over there and get hold of David’s free dating tips. They’re really quite amazing. And as far as I can see, designed to enrich the lives of both the man the woman looking for a relationship. So read… and then try some of his suggestions. And let us know how they went!

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Marriage and Family and … Happiness?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Marriage and family are supposed to make us happy. Or so the theory goes.

Yet in his book, “Stumbling on Happiness”, Daniel Gilbert notes that most people are ineffective at forecasting what would make them happy.

“People know what it feels like to be happy, but they’re very poor at predicting the sources of their satisfaction,” says Gilbert, a Harvard University professor of psychology.

1000 Questions For Couples.
 12 Simple Rules
 50 Secrets Of Blissful Relationships.

Human beings are especially likely to misjudge the satisfaction they’ll derive from having more money. One example is that within six months after winning the lottery, Gilbert notes that many winners are no happier than they were before, and that some have become miserable because of the complications the money brings.

Not so well tabulated is the human propensity for relationships and mating. Oh, yes, you’ll often hear the ‘won the lottery’ comment about someone who believes they’ve found their perfect partner, or can’t see through their rose colored glasses at the squirming hunk of babyflesh that’s just been delivered to them in hospital.

But then there’s the pesky divorce rate figures. And sagging marriage rate figures. And the incessant sniping on social networking sites between people who wouldn’t dare vent such ire to their partner in person.

Or maybe they would.

But I came across a comment in a beauty publication that started me thinking that this ancient rule might serve us better at creating some relationship magic in family marriage and relationships if we just reminded ourselves of it again.

It’s the old ‘what would X do?’ trick. In Hilary Rose’s words:

“Such products also pass my new test. In the wake of the visit of Carla Bruni and her husband to these shores, and the realisation that she is beauty and elegance incarnate, I now find myself asking: “What would Carla do?”

…but I baulked at the price. But Carla would not, so neither shall I. It helps that I long ago appropriated L’Oréal’s seductive “because you’re worth it” tagline and used it to justify far more expensive purchases than a paltry tube of Revitalift.

Actually, I’m not sure I am worth it, but … either way my conclusion’s the same: let us go forth to beauty halls across the land, let us seek out a product so beautiful and sweet-smelling it makes our hearts skip a beat, and let us buy it. It’s what Carla would want.”

Now, whether you’re dating, in a marriage and family or in a relationship, how useful could that approach be to having the relationship you want? Not to beauty products, but as a compatibility test of the relationship?

Who in your view has the ideal marriage? If you answer ‘no-one’, maybe you’ll need to do a little digging, and come up with a composite. You admire the way X get on together, the way Y seem to uplift one another, the way Z inspire joy in those around them… and that’s the way I’d like us to be, or that’s my perfect match.

Now, there are a few things to consider when you produce your ideal family marriage profile.

Again, borrowing from a totally different field for inspiration, consider these comments from Christopher Dachi, a life coach who helps clients fulfill their aspirations. He was actually talking about buying a house, but his points make excellent springboards for marital enhancement.

These are some of the relevant points he made:

  • Understand how your upbringing could color your views - although they’re unaware of it, people often try to replicate their parents’ views or go to the opposite extreme;
  • You’re more likely to make an appropriate selection if you first identify the underlying emotions that drive your thinking; and
  • Question the belief that a (different spouse) would heighten your self-esteem.

“The problem of low self-esteem is pandemic,” according to Dachi. And it’s certainly at the heart of the vast majority of emotional meltdowns and relationship dilemmas.

Perhaps it’s at the heart of your dissatisfaction with your current family and marriage, or would drive your judgement about just who would fit into your ideal of a happy family marriage.

Perhaps also, you now know just where to start looking in your search for the elusive happy family and marriage that lasts!

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Separation, Divorce, & Little Kids

Monday, March 24, 2008

The pain of divorce and separation is bad enough for adults, but what’s it like for a five-year-old?

After patiently waiting for an hour or more after the appointed time for his father to collect him for their regular time together, one young fellow turned to his mother and said “Daddy not come. I sad.”

And when another scheduled phone call time comes and goes without a ring, the same little fellow’s “Daddy not ring. Why?” is just as plaintive.

“I don’t know,” says Mom. “You’ll have to ask him when you get to talk to him.” And the pain for her child bites despairingly deep. Perhaps these can help:

Most often, child custody is awarded to mothers, so the gender role in that true story is more often the case than not. The mother is intimately involved in the day to day nurture of the child. Without judging, the father’s role is often reduced to just another appointment in a schedule.

That’s not always the case, I hasten to add. But other demands interfere so easily. And when the parents are still in high-emotion conflict, gentle reminders are really not an option.

So parents and child/ren suffer.

An Australian Psychological Society monograph last year on managing the impact of separation and divorce on children noted that the two major predictors of children’s adjustment following separation are the exposure to interparental conflict and the quality of the parent-child relationship.

“Important individual differences in children’s adjustment and wellbeing following parental divorce are largely attributable to parent factors and family processes after divorce,” the report said.

The key predictors of child post-divorce adjustment include:

  • the degree of parental conflict,
  • parental adjustment and quality of the parenting,
  • the cumulative stress associated with multiple changes,
  • residential arrangements and parental remarriage, and
  • child characteristics, such as personality and temperament.

Earlier research had shown that while a wide range of services were available for older children up to the age of 18, there was ‘limited capacity’ to provide specialised service for children, particularly for children in the younger age brackets (ages 0 to 5).

The Australian Government has responded by introducing an educational program that will assist separated parents in regional areas whose inability to communicate without conflict is affecting their contact with their children.

They’ve also introduced the Supporting Children after Separation Program. The objective is to support children within the context of their family to manage and enhance their relationships during and after family separation.

One side-effect of this program is that children will be given a voice in what happens to them. Again, the impact will be greatest in the case of older children, with the pre-school children unlikely to benefit.

Australian Attorney General Robert McClelland said the program would focus on the needs of children and help them deal with issues arising from the breakdown of their parents’ relationship.

“The program will support those children through a range of counselling and group activities, including allowing them to have a say in the separation process,” he said.

Adolescent psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg is quoted in The Australian newspaper as saying divorce and separation affects 500,000 children in Australia each year.

“There’s also good evidence that if it’s not handled well, it can be a precursor to major depressive illness, anxiety disorders and significantly disrupt their academic performance,” he said.

The Supporting Children after Separation Program sounds great. But have the little kids slipped through the cracks again? Copious research supports the notion that some of the greatest impact on the human mind occurs in the first five years. It’s unlikely therefore that 0-5 year olds are unscathed by parental conflict.

Check the advice in these:

Then I’d be interested in any ideas on how young children can be helped to better weather their parents’ separation and divorce.

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